How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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