how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
