Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
