at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
