I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
