Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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