I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
