Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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