I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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