At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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