She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
