i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
