The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
