Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
