nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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