Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
