I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
