I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
