I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize