I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
