You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
