I cannot find my penis.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So much Jack, so little girl.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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