ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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