Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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