Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
