What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
