i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
