I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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