Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
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