Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
