and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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