I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sober January is a disaster.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
