Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Randomize
