Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize