moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
