I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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