I accidentally had phone sex last night
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
