i'm signing you up for texting rehab
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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