paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize