i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
