Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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