Moan for me like Helen Keller
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
