i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
