I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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