you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
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