This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
