Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
