need another drink. this is the easiest way
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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