I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
