My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
