I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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