Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
