Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You are a genius and a whore.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
