i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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