Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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