just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
