I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
