So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
