There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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