You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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